Primal Sneeze

Foggy Conditions

• Do not use dipped headlights. As long as you can see, that’s fine. Dipped headlights should only be used by other drivers so that you can see them.
• Where possible, drive closely behind other drivers. You can safely navigate by following their tail lights. Oh, and feel free to push them on if they are driving too slowly. It is a common misconception that if the car in front brakes suddenly or actually crashes that you will too could be involved in an accident. This cannot happen as it is the duty of the other driver to alert you, in writing, ten days in advance, of any such event, so you will have plenty of time to take appropriate action.
• If for any reason you do turn on your headlights remember to also turn on your rear fog-lights. The fog-lights are to be turned off promptly, ten days later.

Normal Conditions

• Much of the above applies. In particular the requirement to drive less than 1m behind other drivers. If you hit a pedestrian they have moved out to avoid and which you, having restricted your vision, will not have seen, rest easy. Firstly, the other driver is to blame for not informing you in writing, as above, and secondly pedestrians, cyclists, small children, and stray animals have no right to be on the road anyway.
• Driving behind other drivers in this way also shortens your journey time in much the same way as pressing up behind people in queues at ATMs, the checkout in Tesco and at bus stops does.

Icy Conditions

• Modern cars can be driven as normal on ice and snow. As long as you have the heater on and feel nice and cosy there is no need to concern yourself with all that mumbo jumbo about accelerating and braking gently and keeping the revs low and the gears high.
• Clear snow from the windscreen and driver’s window. Clearing it from the rear window, mirrors and lights is unnecessary. You will not be using them anyway. Snow from the roof will fall onto your windscreen the next time you brake. You can hold up the traffic as long as you wish to clear this. Other drivers will understand.

Lane Discipline

• The leftmost lane is for other drivers. You may only use this lane when turning left. Otherwise, stay right at all times. The driver of the ambulance behind you with the sirens blaring and lights flashing is probably just having a bit of laugh.
• On three lane carriageways the leftmost lane is only to be used when turning left. Even other drivers may not use it. If filtering onto a three lane carriageway get into the centre, or preferably the rightmost lane, immediately. The leftmost lane must be kept free in case a light aircraft has to make an emergency landing.

Roundabouts

• Never be tempted to use your indicators. Other drivers are telepathic. They will know your intentions. Using your indicators generates electromagnetic fields which will interfere with telepathic signals and could cause an accident.
• Approach roundabouts at speed, then stop suddenly and look right. Do not be tempted to approach slowly while checking for traffic coming from your right. This could result in your not having to come to a complete stop and not keeping the traffic flowing. Remember that the yield signs should actually be stop ones. The county councils just use them because they are cheaper and look prettier.

Stopping and Starting

• Starting: Taking off from a complete stop should be done as quickly as possible. Apply maximum pressure to the accelerator and do not move up gear until your engine sounds like an F16 in vertical climb.
• Stopping: Keep up your speed as long as possible then brake sharply without moving down through the gears.

Remember it is your civic duty to burn as much fuel as possible so the government VAT and excise intakes yield sufficient funds to buy emissions allowances to meet our Kyoto Protocol requirements. Speaking of civic duty, the above are best achieved in a Honda Civic complete with go-faster-spots, no suspension, 50,000 Watt speakers, a real life Bratz doll in the passenger seat and a spoiler blocking rear-view vision.

Type of Vehicle

• Where financially possible drive an SUV. The World Health Organisation have determined SUVs to be more humane than cars. An SUV hitting a pedestrian will impact the torso damaging vital organs and cause immediate death. Conversely a car striking a pedestrian will result in a broken leg which will mend in time and they will linger on for many, many years. Probably raising loving families, playing sports, reading great books, seeing fantastic movies and experiencing all the associated pain and agony.
• Van drivers are exempt from all legal speed limits. The Gardaí will know that you are a plumber called out to repair the heating in a children’s hospital and that you absolutely must get to Centra within 17 seconds for a jumbo breakfast roll and Red Bull so you can be back in the van in time for the football results and a half hour kip.

Have I forgotten anything important? Let me know.