Primal Sneeze

I won’t be around most of today. I had Charity pleading with me for hours yesterday. Pleading and begging for my body.

Now lads, before you go getting hot under the collar, this Charity is a real charity, not a pretty lady. But as with pretty ladies, I always end up giving into their demands. So today I’m off to deliver fixtures and fittings to a respite home two hours from here. Two hours in my little jalopy, Harrison*, loaded to the hilt with everything from clothes hangers to tablecloths to knives and forks, is not my idea of fun. It is at times like this I wish I had Eolaí’s bicycle.

There is also a reserve supply of coat hangers etc. in storage. These are replacements for when items are stolen. What, you cry! People availing of a respite home would steal from it?

Short answer, yes. I am running the risk of getting flamed for saying this. In much the same way that suggesting global warming is part of the earth’s natural cycle, some things seem no longer open to debate.

It was many years ago that I first gave my time to this charity. Like most, I started out with great enthusiasm. Not in a change-the-world way - I’m too long in the tooth to believe that - but nevertheless believing I could make some tangible difference. And like most, I had this belief that people struck down with a debilitating disease and indeed, those closest to them, develop a different view on life and by virtue of having to rely on others, for things we take for granted, become better people. That belief was quickly shattered.

At the first function I attended I phoned a wheelchair cab to take a lady home. The driver refused when he saw who it was. She had an account with this company which was three months overdue. I called another firm. Her account with them was overdue six months. She had been using one until they began to insist on their money then switched to the other. With great difficulty I got this large, inebriated lady and her chair into my little car and took her home. With even more difficulty I pushed her up the sloping drive with constant warnings not to scratch her husband’s new car.

At another, a man and his wife volunteered to sell raffle tickets. Hours later I found them at the bar. Not a single ticket sold. They bought one each to appease me. The wife won the grand prize - a holiday. And it fell to me to smile for the camera while presenting it. My friend, the photographer, kept singing Beautiful South’s Little Blue to me the rest of the evening: When most think that you’re holding back, I know you’re holding bile.

Then there was the guy who temporarily moved into the area because he figured this branch had more funds in the kitty than that in his own area. He applied for a grant for a treatment known even then to be experimental, ineffective and unapproved throughout the whole EU. He was refused on those grounds and ran a fundraising drive of his own. The treatment didn’t work and the clinic providing it was later closed down by the authorities. His allusion to the charity’s name in his campaign confused the public and regular donors gave to him thinking they were supporting the charity.

I became disillusioned and considered giving up. So many seemed to expect to be let away with things the able-bodied would not. But I stuck with it and came to realise that there are bad eggs in all walks of life. There are just as many wheelchair-wankers as walking-wankers. But for every bad egg there are so many more good ones. So that’s why Harrison is straining on his axles and I’m away for the day.

* Harrison because it’s a Ford and was used in the movie, Man about Dog. It got paid more than I did for that one.

Another week of doing the thing is over. The Time Thief was apprehended in the early hours of Saturday morning and has been detained under section 21 of the offences against normality act.

What a week. Each week doing the thing seems to hit me harder. Pure adrenalin keeps me going but when it stops it’s like being force fed twenty pints and then getting hit by the 7:30 bingo bus - being slowly rolled over by 30 fat auld wans all chattering at the top of their voices. The fatigue and headaches last two days.

Having said that, the last week was worth every pint and fat auld wan. I can now say that, given time, I am capable of building an industrial strength website. Like this WordPress thingy you are now looking at. Fair play to me!

This just in: The alleged Time Thief has been released on bail to appear again this day week. i.e. I have a major project to complete by 9:00 on Monday 19. Something I have successfully put out of my mind until now.

This is yet another one of the weeks when I’m doing the thing. The thing runs from 9:00 to 17:30 which is fine. That’s like a working day. It’s the extra four, five or six hours to be tackled in the evening that that’s the killer. It devours time. The dishes would be piling up if there were any cooking done. The newspapers do pile up. The intention is always to read them at the weekend. But that never happens and they end up being fed to the recycle bin. Blogs don’t get read despite WebMon flashing at me pleadingly.

It takes up the whole week. Worse still, the thoughts of what’s to be faced in May, makes my hole weak. Age has a lot to do with it. You can’t teach an old mouse new clicks. Well you can, but it takes much longer.

I’m not looking for sympathy. Far from it. I took this on because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I’m loving every minute most of it. Masochistic tendencies? This is simply an apology to my readers for blowing hot and cold - not posting regularly and not reading your posts. To both of you - I’m sorry.

I have to stop quoting the Irish Independent’s Breaking News Service. Just allow me this one last time:

The Government today announced details of its multi-million euro plan to reduce traffic congestion on the M50. Commuters are being promised barrier-free tolling by August of next year, when a new system of charging will be put in place. There will be one single point on the West Link area of the motorway, where cameras and antennae will detect car registrations. Those without a prepaid electronic tag will be sent a bill by post.

We will need software and hardware systems to validate paid-up drivers and to catch the offenders. Good thing minister Martin Cullen is in charge. Remember the great job he did on electronic voting. To quote the Amstel ads: This is going to be great.

I like the auld wireless I do. The telly is too much of a distraction. Watch and listen at the same time! No way. That’s like trying to have a conversation with a woman.

Ah, the wireless. Now that’s a different story. You can let it blabber away there in the background and you only have to pay attention when you overhear something interesting.

This morning was one of those times when I did pay attention. In fact I even engaged in rapport. If screaming at a radio can be called rapport.

It was the Ian Dempsey Show on Today FM and it being morning drive-time, texts were coming in hot and heavy about a traffic jam in Ballybunion, a chicken crossing the road near Emo, a red Mitsi with its fog-lights on etc.

Then some tool of a trucker asked if it was legal to drive on the hard-shoulder. Mary said no. John said yes. Pat said yes, but only if …

And this is when the screams began. What sort of plonkers are on our roads? Has it gotten to the stage where the law of the land is only a guide and we are all free to interpret it a) as we see fit, b) to suit our needs or c) as we vaguely remember it from our reading of the rules of the road decades ago?

A dog is not just for Christmas. But learning the rules for driving is just for the day of your driving test.

Unlike my previous post about the Rules of the Road, this is serious. Could be deadly serious.

Warning: This a long rambling rant, which has been simmering for a long time and I just need to get it off my chest. If two to three paragraphs is your limit, then go away now.

On 2 June, 2006, Minister for Transport Martin Cullen published Draft Revised Rules of the Road and invited submissions from the public until 30 June.

The revised booklet includes information on new initiatives in road traffic law that have been introduced since the last version of the document was produced. These include the revised metric speed limit system, penalty points and fixed charges, cycles lanes, the Theory Test, the National Car Test, and rules for road users where the LUAS is in operation. The Minister said that road users should be aware that the document reflects the most up to date position with regard to road traffic law.

Strange that the booklet itself states that it is “not an interpretation of the law”.

On 23 October, he published (online) the Post Public Consultation Revised Version. It states that “the overall aim of this booklet is to promote safety, good driving practice and courtesy in the use of our roads in accordance with the law. It is not an interpretation of the law”.

So we will have a published set of rules which are possibly not legal but which learner drivers are required to know by heart and which all drivers will follow!

I read the draft rules at the time and I must say I was impressed overall. It was up to date with respect to new legislation (e.g. penalty points and that vehicles required not to travel above 80km/h must not use the outer lane of a motorway …) and new features of our infrastructure (e.g. 2 plus 1 roads and the LUAS). It also provided excellent general motoring information (e.g. child safety and even advice on road rage).

Until relatively recently Ireland had simple straightforward roundabouts (with the exception of Walkinstown). One road on - up to three off. The rules too were straightforward: 1st exit - use left lane on approach and indicate left. 2nd exit - use left lane, don’t indicate until having passed the 1st exit then indicate left. Any subsequent exit - use right lane, indicate right and then indicate left having passed the exit prior to your exit.

Today we have ones with 4, 5, 6 … n exits. On the Dublin Road out of Naas the exits of he Big Ball roundabout are 1. Monread Road 2. M7 southbound 3. N7 northbound 4. Johnstown Village 5. Concrete Pipes Ltd. The problem here is that exit 2 is at 10 o’clock and 3 at, say, 10:05. Under the old (as yet, existing) rule you would use the right lane then switch to the left after exit 2. But 2 and 3 are far too close to be able the indicate and change lane between 2 and 3. The old rules fall down.

The draft revised rules tackled this admirably: Any exit up to the 12 o’clock position, use the left lane. Exits thereafter, use the right. A brilliantly simple solution to the problem. Congratulations to the folks who drafted the revised rules.

Then what happens? The new rules are published. And have been sent to the Road Safety Authority for redesign and printing. How does the new booklet deal with this? It changes the whole thing and makes it incomprehensible and wide open to interpretation.
1st exit - use left lane on approach and indicate left. Last exit or when going full circle - use right lane, indicate right and then indicate left having passed the exit prior to your exit. But no mention of 2nd exits, the 12 o’clock position. No it says …

When taking any intermediate exit
• do not signal on approach to the roundabout,
• select the appropriate lane on approach to and on the roundabout, signalling as necessary,
• stay in this lane until you need to alter course to exit the roundabout,
• signal your intention and move accordingly after you have passed the exit before the one you want,

No where does it define what ‘the appropriate lane’ is. This will cause chaos. Drivers will free to make up their own rules. I am dreading the thoughts of using the above roundabout.

Roundabouts is the topic I have focused on. There are others.

I have mailed the Department of Transport to enquire if such ambiguities will be rectified prior to publication. I don’t really expect a proper reply. I did get the confirmation mail saying my questions had been forwarded to the appropriate parties. But this in Civil Service speak equates to ‘duty done, nothing more to do’.

I also asked what the plans are for re-educating drivers when this booklet goes live. The best plan would be to distribute a copy to all registered drivers but I doubt that will happen for cost reasons. If nothing is done, we will have a situation where one set of drivers do one thing and another set doing another.

This is yet another example of half-arsed attempts by government and its officials tackle an issue. It seems they always get half the job done half right and take years to patch up botched projects.

Foggy Conditions

• Do not use dipped headlights. As long as you can see, that’s fine. Dipped headlights should only be used by other drivers so that you can see them.
• Where possible, drive closely behind other drivers. You can safely navigate by following their tail lights. Oh, and feel free to push them on if they are driving too slowly. It is a common misconception that if the car in front brakes suddenly or actually crashes that you will too could be involved in an accident. This cannot happen as it is the duty of the other driver to alert you, in writing, ten days in advance, of any such event, so you will have plenty of time to take appropriate action.
• If for any reason you do turn on your headlights remember to also turn on your rear fog-lights. The fog-lights are to be turned off promptly, ten days later.

Normal Conditions

• Much of the above applies. In particular the requirement to drive less than 1m behind other drivers. If you hit a pedestrian they have moved out to avoid and which you, having restricted your vision, will not have seen, rest easy. Firstly, the other driver is to blame for not informing you in writing, as above, and secondly pedestrians, cyclists, small children, and stray animals have no right to be on the road anyway.
• Driving behind other drivers in this way also shortens your journey time in much the same way as pressing up behind people in queues at ATMs, the checkout in Tesco and at bus stops does.

Icy Conditions

• Modern cars can be driven as normal on ice and snow. As long as you have the heater on and feel nice and cosy there is no need to concern yourself with all that mumbo jumbo about accelerating and braking gently and keeping the revs low and the gears high.
• Clear snow from the windscreen and driver’s window. Clearing it from the rear window, mirrors and lights is unnecessary. You will not be using them anyway. Snow from the roof will fall onto your windscreen the next time you brake. You can hold up the traffic as long as you wish to clear this. Other drivers will understand.

Lane Discipline

• The leftmost lane is for other drivers. You may only use this lane when turning left. Otherwise, stay right at all times. The driver of the ambulance behind you with the sirens blaring and lights flashing is probably just having a bit of laugh.
• On three lane carriageways the leftmost lane is only to be used when turning left. Even other drivers may not use it. If filtering onto a three lane carriageway get into the centre, or preferably the rightmost lane, immediately. The leftmost lane must be kept free in case a light aircraft has to make an emergency landing.

Roundabouts

• Never be tempted to use your indicators. Other drivers are telepathic. They will know your intentions. Using your indicators generates electromagnetic fields which will interfere with telepathic signals and could cause an accident.
• Approach roundabouts at speed, then stop suddenly and look right. Do not be tempted to approach slowly while checking for traffic coming from your right. This could result in your not having to come to a complete stop and not keeping the traffic flowing. Remember that the yield signs should actually be stop ones. The county councils just use them because they are cheaper and look prettier.

Stopping and Starting

• Starting: Taking off from a complete stop should be done as quickly as possible. Apply maximum pressure to the accelerator and do not move up gear until your engine sounds like an F16 in vertical climb.
• Stopping: Keep up your speed as long as possible then brake sharply without moving down through the gears.

Remember it is your civic duty to burn as much fuel as possible so the government VAT and excise intakes yield sufficient funds to buy emissions allowances to meet our Kyoto Protocol requirements. Speaking of civic duty, the above are best achieved in a Honda Civic complete with go-faster-spots, no suspension, 50,000 Watt speakers, a real life Bratz doll in the passenger seat and a spoiler blocking rear-view vision.

Type of Vehicle

• Where financially possible drive an SUV. The World Health Organisation have determined SUVs to be more humane than cars. An SUV hitting a pedestrian will impact the torso damaging vital organs and cause immediate death. Conversely a car striking a pedestrian will result in a broken leg which will mend in time and they will linger on for many, many years. Probably raising loving families, playing sports, reading great books, seeing fantastic movies and experiencing all the associated pain and agony.
• Van drivers are exempt from all legal speed limits. The Gardaí will know that you are a plumber called out to repair the heating in a children’s hospital and that you absolutely must get to Centra within 17 seconds for a jumbo breakfast roll and Red Bull so you can be back in the van in time for the football results and a half hour kip.

Have I forgotten anything important? Let me know.